Did you do that on purpose??

I will never forget when a check out lady at a store asked me if I had my kids close together on purpose....she actually said "Oh my, did you do that on purpose?? (waving towards my kids). I remember my response "um, no one in their right mind has kids this close together on purpose!". That really isn't what I meant. I am certain she caught me a low moment after carting 4 little ones to the store to buy groceries...one in a baby sling, two in a cart (1 year old & 2 year old) with their big brother pushing them around in their mobile metal prison and me rapidly losing my MIND! So I feel as though I get a small pass on my response!

I cannot tell you the looks I used to get when I was out and about with all my little ones, likely looking like a escape from crack ward. It was hard to remember not to go out in my PJs, must less wear cute outfits and oh so perfect hair and makeup. So I am not saying some of the looks weren't warranted.....People were staring...it was something we got used to rather quickly. Judgement is what I would see in their eyes, my kids would just see someone else to give them attention and wave like little attention seeking maniacs! It mostly made me laugh...

So, I had Dalton at the ripe ol age of 23. Not that young I thought at the time. Little did I know I was not wise and did not have a lot of the answers. But taking care of babies was not something I saw as difficult. I remember when I was pregnant with Dalton & I was holding another baby...that mom told me I was a natural. Nothing natural about it. I babysitted when I was a teen and I taught swim lessons for years. Kids? Easy Peasy.....YEAH RIGHT! (I now tell women I know that feel this way, just wait, it is a whole other ball game when it is your child) I never feared taking care of him, or if I would be able to be a good mom. Truthfully those thoughts never really crossed my mind (young & invencible remember?) But the first time he rolled off the couch and went splat onto the tile floor & had a little bit of a bloody purple nose, I started to wonder what I had gotten into? Maybe this would be a little rough? (ya think??)

Dalton had breathing issues, so he hardly slept as a baby. And the times that he did sleep, it was in the swing or in the vibratng bouncy chair. It was insane! I was like a drug addict looking for it's next fix! I needed about a week's worth of uninterupted sleep. It was not a cute look! So you can see his baby months were tough but nothing like what we would be up against in his toddler years. (but at least by then I had my parents help = God SEND!) I was in no hurry to repeat this mothering thing for a while I thought....

Oh, life is what happens when we are busy making plans....

At the age of 25 I was diagnosed with a case of cervical cancer that had spread. I had been battling these precancerous cells since I was about 20. I had undergone several different types of in office procedures. I really did not think too much about it. Everntually it spread to other parts and my OBGYN was not happy about it. There was talk of a hystaretomy. Then I was finally frightened. I wanted more kids. I knew with everything I had that I wanted Dalton to have siblings. So instead of the yanking, we tried another treatment. I had to go into the OBGYN's office every single day for 35 days. They would give me a treatment and I would be on my way. I was in my last week of the treatments when I found out I was pregnant.

There were so many questions....would the pregnancy survive the treatments? Would my very cut up cervix hold? Would the baby make it? The OBGYN had no answers, this was not something that happens. You do not get pregnant during cancer treatments on your cervix and surrounding lady parts. They just had no idea what to expect. They told me not to tell anyone for a while. And to hang on tight, this very well could be a bumpy ride. I really had no idea...

I bled so much during this second pregnancy I became severly anemic. And every single time I would rush to the doctor! This much blood & clots could not be right. They finally told me what would happen would happen & there was nothing they or I could do about it. Panic! At 7 months I was already dialating. They told me to prepare to have this baby very early. Panic! The baby was breach and they wanted to do a version to turn her, it would be highly painful but they thought it would work. Panic! After a successful version (in which I did NOT hurt anyone surprisingly enough!) the baby turned breach again two weeks later. Panic! They wanted to do a c-section. PANIC!

Allison was born perfectly healthy and five days late. She was a very easy baby....

(I am going to stop right there...this is where I get the birth control questions. With Dalton I was not on birth control because I was told with all my surgeries on my cervix, it had all but closed & it would be extremely difficult for me to get pregnant. From then on, I was on birth control. Many different forms actually. None of them worked.......)

When Alli was somewhere around 8 to 10 months old, I started to feel funny. By now I was a pro at this, hummm I feel strangely type feeling. I just knew I was pregnant. I kept taking tests, but they would come up not no or yes. I took several different tests and they all come up that way. But I knew what I knew....I was pregnant again. Lord what was I going to do now? Well, I guess I would start by taking off this birth control patch.....

Kaylee's pregnancy was just fine, which was a serious relief after what I had gone through with Alli. It seemed rather similar to Dalton's pregnancy so I sort of thought she would be a boy...nope!( She is the female version of Dalton though so I was close.) Almost as soon as Kaylee was born, I knew something was not right. Her pee only diapers smelled really bad, and they were as dark as a soda. It was strange. She was not happy much of the time either. By two months old, Kaylee was in the hospital. She had a serious UTI infection and water on one of her kidneys. Why? No one knew....and no would would ever really know why Kaylee continued to face these types of issues. She would see a lot of specialists in her little life time. (the real answer did not come until she was 7 years old)

When Kaylee was about 6 or 7 months old and we were knee deep in her medical issues, that seemingly had no answers, I opened some tuna and immeditely got sick. Yeah, um I have to be pregnant again. Could this really be REAL?

I knew I was pregnant and at the time I am almost ashamed to admitt I was asking "what the hell do I do now?" Here I was in a terrible marriage with someone I completely hated (yeah I know what you are thinking, I didn't hate him enough), I had a son with asthma issues, Alli was only 1, and Kaylee was only like 7 months old and had all these medical problems...how the heck was I going to manage another kid?

The entire pregnancy was difficult, but not because of the actually pregnancy. It was all external stress and violence. Frankly, I am still surprised she survived. But she did.....

Jacie was actually the easiest pregnancy and the easiest birth. I probably did not need the doctor at this point, I was a pro. 6 hours later Jacie was born. She was perfect and looked  lot like Alli. (thank God for that little favor because until then people thought Alli - the only really white blonde -  was not one of us) And Jacie would prove to be the easest baby.....up until she wasn't.

Jacie was hospitalized at 6 months old with croup. She stopped breathing in the doctors arms. She spent the next week in the PICU. Thankfully she survived that to only be hospitalized again at 1 years old. She had a very serious MRSA infection that was already taveling towards her heart. She was rushed into surgery and spent the next week in the hospital. The doctor said if we had waited just one more day, we would have been dealing with a very serious life & death situation. We had caught it just in time........

So there it is....the story of how my lovely crazy wonderful kids came to be my blessings, my life. Did I do this on purpose? No, never. I never would have chosen to live our life that way. I never would have put so much pressure on me, my mind, my body, and so much more on purpose. But, it has proven to be the greatest blessing in my life. It was what I was meant to do. And I do not need to know why....We have each other and nothing other than God's will can pull us apart. We have been through enough to trust in that fact.

Okay, to address the birth control issue again.......Yes, I was on birth control after having Dalton. As I said before, a couple of different forms. I am not saying they all failed. Whether it was birth control failure, or oporater failure, is of little consequence to me now. I have always looked back and told myself things happened the way they were meant to. Nothing more, nothing less. And having come out the other side of everything, I know I would not want it any other way.

Side note: I amitted to not being sure having Jacie was the best idea for the kids. At the time I was just well, terrified at the thought of caring of 4 little ones. But Jacie has been the one that has completed our family. She is the balance. She is everything every single one of us is not. Something about her is exactly what each of us needed. She gave me someone to hold onto when I felt like I could not hold onto anything at all. She clung to her brother when she was a baby and made him feel like he was the man of the house and really could be. Jacie looked like the sister Alli needed. Now Alli no longer looked adopted. And Jacie was Kaylee's friend...something she really needed in life and still does. The balance.....and we could not be more thankful for her every single day.

Just another day in paradise......