I Want To Like Myself, Today, I Just Can't

Today I am feeling a certain way.... it is a part of me and the most raw, over exposed I become. So that means it is time to write.

I cannot look at myself today. My skin does not fit. The reflection I see in the mirror is not one I want to believe. My clothes almost hurt me. My hair is stupid. My outfit ridiculous. Today I stand and look at my fat with the number just revealed on the scale swirling around me. How am I here, again? Why have I failed myself? Why can I not just hold onto the facts I know work for me until I meet my goals? I want to like myself. Today, I just can’t. I want to though.

I have gained weight instead of losing weight. How? I think I know, but it all sounds like a bunch of bullshit. I lost my way. I got much more concerned with being strong, than losing weight. I got complacent with my eating plan. I let my old habits of eating crap daily sneak back in until the crap took over my life. Like I said, lost.

I have a lot of excuses why. I still worked out about 5 to 6 times a week, but I started feeling terrible again…. living with what can only be explained as nearly debilitating fatigue and more. And my husband went back to work so the bulk of the work with the kids & most of the stress is on me once again. Stress tends to point me in the direction of sugar. (sugar, you are an asshole….let’s just get the facts straight) But, this is all crap and you and I know it.

I know what works for me. Plant based diet. An 80%/20% split on plant based with animal protein being the 20%. The majority of my carbs coming from fruit, not carb full crap. Steering clear of milk products. This is what works. This and a focus on weight loss instead of focusing on strength in the gym. In other words, the lifting sessions need to equal the cardio sessions at the very least. (Right now my workouts take the form of 80% lifting and 20% cardio)It works. I know this.

I am not sure why I lost my focus. I feel like an idiot frankly. There is this girl I follow on Instagram. She lost a shit ton of weight to only put it all back on and then some and I remember thinking, how could you do that to yourself again. Now I know. Maybe she lost her way too. Maybe it’s easier than you think. Maybe I should just live my journey and not anyone else’s. Maybe sugar is her asshole too.

So what the hell do I do now? I start again.....

I have banished the asshole from my life. (I have the headaches to prove it L ) No more sugar. Period. I am back on my 80% plant based eating plan, and I am avoiding all milk products. (I am allergic to milk and I am convinced it irritates my system) I am going to start counting my water intake again while avoiding all other drinks. (except green tea or black tea….love that stuff) And I have changed my workouts to a more balanced attack between lifting & cardio. (ordered some new videos too….changing it up)

And I try not to hate myself for this huge tumble off the wagon. Tomorrow is a new day, a renewed chance to find myself again. Thankfully I am just strong enough to do it. 

Self Acceptance

I understand we all want acceptance, to fit in. It seems to be innate inside of us. To be accepted equals to be loved in the majority of people’s mind. But maybe the point truly should be to be accepted and loved by ourselves, to live your truest self. I think once you achieve that inter peace that only comes through the purest form of self-love, that is then what you project to others and what they love about you in return.

I spent the majority of my life very dependent on what others thought of me, to the point that I hated myself most of the time. I was so hard on myself. I was never smart enough, read enough books, thin enough, had pretty hair enough, I never was the best at my sport, or nice enough…. I could really go on and on. It lead me down a couple of dark paths.

First and foremost, I was not nice to my body. Eating disorder is not something you are supposed to talk about, but when you end up in the ER from complications of not eating, there is a real self-hate issue. It was bad and I still reel from it to this day….when I am very down, my mind first goes to starving myself. It is self-harm. It is sad. If only I could have loved who I was and could see what people who loved me could see.

Then, because I had such intense self-loathing issues, I attracted people that treated me the way I felt about myself. It was a very self-destructive never ending cycle. And it was lonely….

Most people that knew me growing up would have never guessed this about me. I tried endlessly to project this image of someone that had it together, someone that was scary strong and independent, someone that did not care what others thought of me. What a sham of a life I led. It was very exhausting.

Self-love is one of the most important lessons you will ever learn.

Slowly, I have learned to like myself most days and love myself much more than I ever did before my 30s. But that mostly came from 100% acceptance and love of another person. That intense acceptance eventually smashed all my pieces back together and made me whole again. And now I relish all the time I spent absolutely hating myself. I wish I could have it all back and do it over again. But I can’t.

Now if I don’t like something about myself, I understand completely I have the power to change it. I can work out to find the body I want. I can eat on a good healthy plan to avoid the pitfalls of my eating disorder. I can cut my hair how I want. I can work on my personality or I can accept I am stubborn and loud and opinionated, but I am also loving, and caring, and hard working. I can find a balance in it all.

So do what makes you feel the best about yourself. To hell with what others think. Live your best most authentic life. Accept who you are and what gifts you bring to this world. Don’t like something, change it. Project self-love truly and it will be reflected back at you. 

20th High School Reunion Body? Oh No!

The dreaded 20^th high school reunion. Ugh…. I have to say, yes I’ve had a million kids (many within a year of each other) and some would see that as an excuse for the state of my body. But let’s be real here for a minute (we’re friends like that right?), it has now been 9 years since I had my last child. I should look a hell of a lot better than I do. So, what happened? Well, a lot.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I was an athlete my entire life. I played sports year round all the way through my life until high school ended. I actually had no problem maintaining my high school body up until my first child. So it is not like the end of my sports life signaled the beginning of me being out of shape. I had OCD like rules for my eating habits and I worked out a lot. It worked for me. Then I got pregnant with my first child.

Boy howdy, I decided I was pregnant and that was it. It was my J O B to eat. Forget all my eating rules and exercise routine. Time for some couch and some McDonalds. (what can I say? I was young and dumb …a mere 22 when I was PG) I ended up gaining 60 pounds during this first pregnancy. Oy! Two things came together to help me drop the baby weight & then some though. My husband left my fat butt. Talk about motivation. And I was young. My body basically bounced back with a strict regimen of lifting and kickboxing 4 times a week. (I had some “issues” to work out that kickboxing really worked on! It kept me pretty damn calm during those stressful days!)

I got waaaay back into working out. I fell so hard for the gym and actually for running during this time. It was very confidence building in a time that I truly needed that exact thing.

Signal pregnancy number two. I gained 50 pounds during this round. I actually did very well until I got put under a no workout restriction. This pregnancy was fraught with issues from day one due to me having cervical pre-cancerous cells that had spread when I got pregnant. It was an insane time. I also was married again to an abusive asshole. I was depressed and it showed.

I never really bounced back as before.

I had two more pregnancies each within a year of each other. My body and mind just never seemed to recover. Depression reined.

After I left my then husband, I was the single mom of a 6 year old, a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a 7 week old baby. My hands and head were full. I hardly slept. And my body seemed to be reeling from so much going on for a few years to come. But I did fall for the gym again. Getting there consistently was a whole other matter. Have you ever taken a herd of toddlers to the gym nursery? Insanity!

I finally got into the entire nutrition aspect of the let’s get this body back game. I would just starve myself before. And I have to say, this worked for the most part. But I wanted to actually be healthy, inside and out.

Now, after years of abusing myself physically and mentally, I am finally in a healthy place. I do ridiculous amounts of research and I keep tweaking my eating plan and my workouts until I see the results I want. But doing what is good for my body is my ultimate goal. One I will continue to reach for.

So, the body I brought to my 20 year reunion was not the body I wanted everyone to see. But, I can say I am proud of where I am and where I am going. 

Running.... Just Keep Running

Keep Running?

So, I started running again. I have never been someone that loves running. (even though I played sports my whole life & played basketball for 13 years…there is some running involved there…LOL) I have never been that person that pulls on their running shoes with glee and can’t wait to feel better while pounding the pavement. But I am trying that whole attitude on for size. I’ve heard it does a body good.

I got into running a while back. I have a very love/hate relationship with it. I love the feeling I get after I run. It makes me feel completely physically worn out afterwards. And, call me crazy, but I love that feeling. It makes me feel like I have put in the work and accomplished something. BOOM! WINNING! But I absolutely hate the first mile and the head game I get into each time. I try to take my mind some other place, but I end up so focused on how much it SUCKS in the moment. Ugh!

And there is another reason I have to talk myself into running…bare with me, it sounds a little crazy…but I have an illogical fear of being adultnapped while running. I watch too much ID Channel. So I got a dog specifically for running. My Beaux is half black lab & half german shepherd. He is completely black, huge, and looks very intimidating. (he’s actually very sweet) He loves running, and he makes me feel much safer. You do not often hear about women being abducted while running with their huge dogs. I know it sounds irrational, but what can I say? And while I run with him, I get to focus on him a bit which gets me out of my head. Beaux Beaux…he’s such a great running companion.

It helps me to set up a running schedule with planned out routes that I already know the mileage. Plan Plan Plan…. Then I feel like I have an appointment with my running that I must keep. It helps me to not skip it because it sucks, let’s be real. LOL!

I sign up for running events when I am trying to get back into running too. It gives me something to train towards. I am very competitive, and the knowledge that I will be dead last if I do not train motivates me. I don’t have to come in first, but I am not going to be the suckiest! Hey, whatever works!

So back into the running world I go….watch out for me turning up on the news, missing running lady’s dog found wondering around without her. Ugh…

Because I want to look like this.....

Home Gym, Yeah it IS Possible

Home gym, yeah it IS possible

I have long been a gym lifer. I friggin love being at the gym (I am a huge people watcher so that comes into play). I feed off of competing with whoever is working out next to me (yes, if you are next to me, we are in a serious competition, believe it!). And of course all the nice equipment, gym selfie mirrors, and sharing other people’s sweat. Yep, I adore the gym. But what I have a hard time doing is carving out the time to be there. Work + 5 kids + husband in school at night = NO TIME to be away from the house.

So the answer was to build our home gym in our garage. In what is way less expensive than what I thought, we have most of what you need to get a serious workout in daily. How? Piece by piece people.

We maintained our gym memberships while we slowly got the main parts needed to get a pump on at home. We started with the weight bench that included squat & leg press capabilities. Then we got free weights, punching bag, huge tractor tires to flip & pull X 2 (got those for free! Just hit up your nearest tire company that services big tires. They will willingly give you the big tires that can no longer be used!) elliptical, stair climber, mats, medicine ball, etc… you get the picture. Pretty much the basics everyone needs.

The equipment isn’t the best. It certainly isn’t all gym grade stuff, but it works and that works for me.

We got a lot of it from Academy. We also got some of the pieces from ebay (my husband is a huge ebayer) and Craigs List (elliptical!!) which has really helped to keep the cost down. Then you can always get things like sandbags to do weighted carries with (you have to cover it in duct tape though or the bags leak sand everywhere! NICE! L).

All we need is a pull up bar mounted to the ceiling and some jump boxes (in the works right now) and we would be our own little crossfit gym!

Once we got what we felt like we needed, we dropped our gym memberships. Kind of a sad day for me. No more secret competitions. But I have since learned to push myself harder. So yay! Winning! LOL

We are always looking to add to our gym. Jump boxes, more free weights, my football playing son wants a smith machine, etc. So it will likely never be done, but it works and we love it.

Now if I could only figure out how to NOT referee the kid’s arguments while I am trying to make gains, I would be a completely happy #girlswholift / mom! 

Too Much Estrogen, huh?!?!?

Little bit of a different blog post here…..

I usually talk about fitness and throw some truths in while also laughing. It’s the way I like to write. But this time, it’s going to be a little bit more serious (maybe).

Little health background on me:

I have long suffered from damn near debilitating fatigue. It started not long after the doctor said I had mono. I never actually had mono the illness but my blood work showed I had had mono about 3 months prior. It seemed like a strange diagnoses but I went with it. After all, he is the doctor and I am just some professional accountant who looks at too much webmd. So the fatigue carried on and I was told to assume it would get better over time.

Yeah, no, it did not get better over time.

It was about this time I got very into fitness. I have always been an athlete, but got lazy in the midst of having 4 kids (almost in a row). So I started eating better (went vegan for a year). And I spent time trying to figure out what combo of nutrition and workouts would work best for me to lose weight while retaining and building muscle. But my body would not lean out, no matter how I trained. (muscle changes, but the weight was still there.) 

I also started suffering from hair loss, migraines, cold like symptoms (on and off …relentlessly), strange menstrual cycle issues, and acne. (Hello?!?! I am in my 30s, acne?) There are likely some symptoms I am missing, but those were the major ones that went with the never ending fatigue.

Finally, about three years later…..the answer I have been looking for….

I am estrogen dominate. That is what is causing all these issues. Who knew the hormonal imbalance I was experiencing could cause so many other things to go wrong?!?!?

I eat things daily that help balance my hormones. I take DIM (which is found in things like broccoli) which has made a huge difference in helping me feel balanced and “normal”. I have so much more energy. I don’t constantly feel like I am on the edge of sleep at any given moment. And I am already seeing the effects of all my hard work in the gym.

It is nothing less than a-freakin-mazing!

I am also getting checked out with imaging by my doctor to make sure there is no reason I am so estrogen dominate. This is key here people. (not the same doctor that told me I had mono and I would get over it, obviously)

Ladies, if you are having multiple symptoms with no seeming connecting factors, have your hormonal balance checked. It could bring new light to your life!

Things My Fitness Journey has Taught Me....

The things that my fitness journey have taught me…

YOU CAN & YOU WILL…. No matter how badly something hurts or how much it sucks or how much doubt you build up in your head, you can. Then, when you do, never doubt your badass again.

It IS possible to workout & cry at the same time…who knew.

They aren’t looking at you, they could care less. Sometimes, because being on your journey makes you feel a little vulnerable, you think people care what you look like while running or lifting. They don’t…just don’t fall down, that they will stare at. #TRUTH

Those are free weights, they won’t bite you! And you can learn how to lift them in a million different ways. (hint: youtube!)

Go for a run before you bite their heads off. It all works out better in the end.

Skipping your workout whilst eating chocolate cheese cake will make you feel guilty. CHEATER!!

Flexing in the mirror when no one is looking and actually seeing that little muscle coming along WILL make you feel like wonder woman! Keep going princess of power!

Working yourself into a sweaty mess is all worth it when you post an awesome gymselfie! LOL ….but seriously…

You should never wear light grey workout pants/shorts. Sweaty ass = looking like you peed yourself. Just don’t do it.

Take a hard class at your gym… those other girls sucked at this class once upon a time too. Most of them are rooting for you to make it through….

Putting on boxing gloves and going to town on the punching bad will make you feel better. Sometimes you just have to beat the hell out of something. It works. Trust me.

Some people are yoga people and some people aren’t. That shit is hard, don’t fool yourself!

Having your own mini gym at your house IS cool….until your 5 kids pick your workout time to talk to you or fight endlessly with each other.

No matter what, pull on those workout clothes, drink that preworkout and just do it. Get shit done. LIKE A BOSS!