Self Acceptance

I understand we all want acceptance, to fit in. It seems to be innate inside of us. To be accepted equals to be loved in the majority of people’s mind. But maybe the point truly should be to be accepted and loved by ourselves, to live your truest self. I think once you achieve that inter peace that only comes through the purest form of self-love, that is then what you project to others and what they love about you in return.

I spent the majority of my life very dependent on what others thought of me, to the point that I hated myself most of the time. I was so hard on myself. I was never smart enough, read enough books, thin enough, had pretty hair enough, I never was the best at my sport, or nice enough…. I could really go on and on. It lead me down a couple of dark paths.

First and foremost, I was not nice to my body. Eating disorder is not something you are supposed to talk about, but when you end up in the ER from complications of not eating, there is a real self-hate issue. It was bad and I still reel from it to this day….when I am very down, my mind first goes to starving myself. It is self-harm. It is sad. If only I could have loved who I was and could see what people who loved me could see.

Then, because I had such intense self-loathing issues, I attracted people that treated me the way I felt about myself. It was a very self-destructive never ending cycle. And it was lonely….

Most people that knew me growing up would have never guessed this about me. I tried endlessly to project this image of someone that had it together, someone that was scary strong and independent, someone that did not care what others thought of me. What a sham of a life I led. It was very exhausting.

Self-love is one of the most important lessons you will ever learn.

Slowly, I have learned to like myself most days and love myself much more than I ever did before my 30s. But that mostly came from 100% acceptance and love of another person. That intense acceptance eventually smashed all my pieces back together and made me whole again. And now I relish all the time I spent absolutely hating myself. I wish I could have it all back and do it over again. But I can’t.

Now if I don’t like something about myself, I understand completely I have the power to change it. I can work out to find the body I want. I can eat on a good healthy plan to avoid the pitfalls of my eating disorder. I can cut my hair how I want. I can work on my personality or I can accept I am stubborn and loud and opinionated, but I am also loving, and caring, and hard working. I can find a balance in it all.

So do what makes you feel the best about yourself. To hell with what others think. Live your best most authentic life. Accept who you are and what gifts you bring to this world. Don’t like something, change it. Project self-love truly and it will be reflected back at you. 

20th High School Reunion Body? Oh No!

The dreaded 20^th high school reunion. Ugh…. I have to say, yes I’ve had a million kids (many within a year of each other) and some would see that as an excuse for the state of my body. But let’s be real here for a minute (we’re friends like that right?), it has now been 9 years since I had my last child. I should look a hell of a lot better than I do. So, what happened? Well, a lot.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I was an athlete my entire life. I played sports year round all the way through my life until high school ended. I actually had no problem maintaining my high school body up until my first child. So it is not like the end of my sports life signaled the beginning of me being out of shape. I had OCD like rules for my eating habits and I worked out a lot. It worked for me. Then I got pregnant with my first child.

Boy howdy, I decided I was pregnant and that was it. It was my J O B to eat. Forget all my eating rules and exercise routine. Time for some couch and some McDonalds. (what can I say? I was young and dumb …a mere 22 when I was PG) I ended up gaining 60 pounds during this first pregnancy. Oy! Two things came together to help me drop the baby weight & then some though. My husband left my fat butt. Talk about motivation. And I was young. My body basically bounced back with a strict regimen of lifting and kickboxing 4 times a week. (I had some “issues” to work out that kickboxing really worked on! It kept me pretty damn calm during those stressful days!)

I got waaaay back into working out. I fell so hard for the gym and actually for running during this time. It was very confidence building in a time that I truly needed that exact thing.

Signal pregnancy number two. I gained 50 pounds during this round. I actually did very well until I got put under a no workout restriction. This pregnancy was fraught with issues from day one due to me having cervical pre-cancerous cells that had spread when I got pregnant. It was an insane time. I also was married again to an abusive asshole. I was depressed and it showed.

I never really bounced back as before.

I had two more pregnancies each within a year of each other. My body and mind just never seemed to recover. Depression reined.

After I left my then husband, I was the single mom of a 6 year old, a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a 7 week old baby. My hands and head were full. I hardly slept. And my body seemed to be reeling from so much going on for a few years to come. But I did fall for the gym again. Getting there consistently was a whole other matter. Have you ever taken a herd of toddlers to the gym nursery? Insanity!

I finally got into the entire nutrition aspect of the let’s get this body back game. I would just starve myself before. And I have to say, this worked for the most part. But I wanted to actually be healthy, inside and out.

Now, after years of abusing myself physically and mentally, I am finally in a healthy place. I do ridiculous amounts of research and I keep tweaking my eating plan and my workouts until I see the results I want. But doing what is good for my body is my ultimate goal. One I will continue to reach for.

So, the body I brought to my 20 year reunion was not the body I wanted everyone to see. But, I can say I am proud of where I am and where I am going. 

Running.... Just Keep Running

Keep Running?

So, I started running again. I have never been someone that loves running. (even though I played sports my whole life & played basketball for 13 years…there is some running involved there…LOL) I have never been that person that pulls on their running shoes with glee and can’t wait to feel better while pounding the pavement. But I am trying that whole attitude on for size. I’ve heard it does a body good.

I got into running a while back. I have a very love/hate relationship with it. I love the feeling I get after I run. It makes me feel completely physically worn out afterwards. And, call me crazy, but I love that feeling. It makes me feel like I have put in the work and accomplished something. BOOM! WINNING! But I absolutely hate the first mile and the head game I get into each time. I try to take my mind some other place, but I end up so focused on how much it SUCKS in the moment. Ugh!

And there is another reason I have to talk myself into running…bare with me, it sounds a little crazy…but I have an illogical fear of being adultnapped while running. I watch too much ID Channel. So I got a dog specifically for running. My Beaux is half black lab & half german shepherd. He is completely black, huge, and looks very intimidating. (he’s actually very sweet) He loves running, and he makes me feel much safer. You do not often hear about women being abducted while running with their huge dogs. I know it sounds irrational, but what can I say? And while I run with him, I get to focus on him a bit which gets me out of my head. Beaux Beaux…he’s such a great running companion.

It helps me to set up a running schedule with planned out routes that I already know the mileage. Plan Plan Plan…. Then I feel like I have an appointment with my running that I must keep. It helps me to not skip it because it sucks, let’s be real. LOL!

I sign up for running events when I am trying to get back into running too. It gives me something to train towards. I am very competitive, and the knowledge that I will be dead last if I do not train motivates me. I don’t have to come in first, but I am not going to be the suckiest! Hey, whatever works!

So back into the running world I go….watch out for me turning up on the news, missing running lady’s dog found wondering around without her. Ugh…

Because I want to look like this.....