I Want To Like Myself, Today, I Just Can't

Today I am feeling a certain way.... it is a part of me and the most raw, over exposed I become. So that means it is time to write.

I cannot look at myself today. My skin does not fit. The reflection I see in the mirror is not one I want to believe. My clothes almost hurt me. My hair is stupid. My outfit ridiculous. Today I stand and look at my fat with the number just revealed on the scale swirling around me. How am I here, again? Why have I failed myself? Why can I not just hold onto the facts I know work for me until I meet my goals? I want to like myself. Today, I just can’t. I want to though.

I have gained weight instead of losing weight. How? I think I know, but it all sounds like a bunch of bullshit. I lost my way. I got much more concerned with being strong, than losing weight. I got complacent with my eating plan. I let my old habits of eating crap daily sneak back in until the crap took over my life. Like I said, lost.

I have a lot of excuses why. I still worked out about 5 to 6 times a week, but I started feeling terrible again…. living with what can only be explained as nearly debilitating fatigue and more. And my husband went back to work so the bulk of the work with the kids & most of the stress is on me once again. Stress tends to point me in the direction of sugar. (sugar, you are an asshole….let’s just get the facts straight) But, this is all crap and you and I know it.

I know what works for me. Plant based diet. An 80%/20% split on plant based with animal protein being the 20%. The majority of my carbs coming from fruit, not carb full crap. Steering clear of milk products. This is what works. This and a focus on weight loss instead of focusing on strength in the gym. In other words, the lifting sessions need to equal the cardio sessions at the very least. (Right now my workouts take the form of 80% lifting and 20% cardio)It works. I know this.

I am not sure why I lost my focus. I feel like an idiot frankly. There is this girl I follow on Instagram. She lost a shit ton of weight to only put it all back on and then some and I remember thinking, how could you do that to yourself again. Now I know. Maybe she lost her way too. Maybe it’s easier than you think. Maybe I should just live my journey and not anyone else’s. Maybe sugar is her asshole too.

So what the hell do I do now? I start again.....

I have banished the asshole from my life. (I have the headaches to prove it L ) No more sugar. Period. I am back on my 80% plant based eating plan, and I am avoiding all milk products. (I am allergic to milk and I am convinced it irritates my system) I am going to start counting my water intake again while avoiding all other drinks. (except green tea or black tea….love that stuff) And I have changed my workouts to a more balanced attack between lifting & cardio. (ordered some new videos too….changing it up)

And I try not to hate myself for this huge tumble off the wagon. Tomorrow is a new day, a renewed chance to find myself again. Thankfully I am just strong enough to do it.