Alli's Journey

I remember the day Alli was born...she was such a wonderful baby. She was happy to sleep, she was always smiling, she knew sign language, spoke early...she was every single thing a parent could ask for. I had just gone through what could have been cancer that ended my ability to have babies, so I was over the moon about Alli. Then one day everything about her seemed to change......

Alli had very specific eating habits. There were things she just did not eat. Sweets was a big one and so was bread. This is from the time she started eating solid foods on. This might not seem pertinent information, but hang on...I'll tie it all together.

Then around the age of 3 to 4, I began to notice almost a complete personality change in my sweet angel face Al. She would attack Kaylee for no reason and with no provocation. The longer the attacks went on, the more vicious they became. It was strange and out of character for Alli. Alli never really attacked anyone before that. Once I walked into the room just as Alli tried to stab Kaylee in the face with a pencil. Violent for certain. It got to where I simply could not turn my back on Alli.

Al also started having sleeping issues. This coming from the kid that would stand next to her crib and say "Alli sleep now". She was always a wonderful sleeper and really loved her sleep. But now I would wake up in the middle of the night to find her standing over me. She would not say anything, just stand there. I also noticed signs of her walking around the house at night.

And there were other things....Alli started eating paper. She began to only want to eat certain things, like chips. She would become very upset if she could not eat what it is that she requested. And she would cried hysterically for little to no reason at all. She seemed so different and sad.

I finally took Alli to see a psychiatrist. And little did I know, this is when things would start to go down hill fast & furious.

They started Alli on one med. It was a little dose and I honestly believe the doctor thought this would be all she needed, and she would be fine. Back to normal. I think looking back now, it only aggravated what Alli was experiencing.

More meds would come and Alli only seemed to be getting worse. She stopped sleeping all together. She would sleep for like 3 hours a night. She would ask me why she had to get into bed because she knew she could not sleep. It was maddening. So they prescribed something else. In the end, Alli was taking 4 medications that come out to about 1000 milligrams a day and she was only barely hanging on to her sanity. It was horrible to watch this little beautiful girl who was so sweet and full of life, become someone who cried all the time, who was so sad, and who I could not really let out of my sight.

School was almost unbearable. She was extremely frightened to be there and spent most of her first 3 years of school in a separate place. Alli ended up taking 1st grade twice. Nothing seemed to be helping her retain the information she was trying to learn, when she was not under the desk crying that is. School was just too overwhelming for her. We thought many times about removing her. We just did not know what to do.

Alli was also diagnosed with a seizure disorder as well. I took her to a neurologist that did about a thousand tests and not only diagnosed her with seizures but also confirmed that he thought Alli had serious emotional problems.

Side note: the people who lived with me through all this, will tell you I am skimming over the pain of the entire situation. Her pain, my pain....it was so heavy I thought it might crush us both at times. It was devastating to see your little girl crying non stop and there was nothing you could do to help her. I could not make the sadness go away. I could not see or get a grip on what would be her solution. There were times she could not leave the house. I think we all felt like a prisoner of the house and of Alli's illness at times. And I grieved Alli. I grieved the child I thought I had....I grieved the child I thought I had lost. I grieved for the future I thought she would never ever have. When Alli was one years old, she could count to 30, she was happy, and almost bouncy. Now she cried more than she smiled and I felt so lost and alone with her and for her. The feelings during this time are hard to accurately put into words. You almost have to have lived it.....

I finally decided it was the meds. They were agitating her, they were causing memory issues, possibly causing the seizures, and if not, they were not helping. So we began a two year process of getting Alli off the meds. We started with the anti-seizure med that I contributed her not being able to sleep toward. This was the one med I was never really sure of and I wanted her off of it. We only would removed meds while she was on summer break from school so that is why it took so long.

After taking Alli off two of the meds, she was a completely different person. She was happy again. She smiled and she interacted more with the world around her. I was slowly getting Alli back and I cannot describe to you in words how that felt. I cannot tell you what it meant to see the joy on her face. And it confirmed for me what I felt to now be the truth, it was the meds at least partly.

But if the worsening of her issues was the meds, what was the cause of all the issues before she began the meds? This question would linger in my mind.....

Alli was able to go to school for the entire year for the first time in her life. Everyone at school was completely amazed. They all commented that she seemed to be someone else entirely. Finally Alli was happy to go to school. She liked it....it was remarkable.

But, Alli was sick too. The first thing we noticed was that she suddenly dropped a lot of weight. We thought maybe it was due to her not being on some of the meds (one of the side effects of the main med was being stimulated to eat). But she also diarrhea every single day, along with sharp stomach pains. She began gushing blood out her nose on almost a daily basis. These nose bleeds would pour out of her nose for 10 minutes or more. It was scary. Then came the daily headaches and all the bruises. Once the bruises showed up all over her body...her hands, her legs, her torso...every single place, I realized this was more than the meds, she was sick. Very sick. But with what now?

Finally I decided Al needed to see a hematologist. And I can say, we were very worried we were dealing with the Big C. Leukemia came to mind. I knew in my mind that it was not likely, but my heart could hardly stand the mere idea. The first thing they did was an in office test for it. She did not have it. (THANK GOD!) But what was the problem? They knew something was really wrong, but they seem stumped. We had to wait for all the blood work.

In the mean time, Alli ended up in the hospital. She was very prone to Staph infections. She usually was hospitalized with it at least once a year. We thought we were dealing with yet another infection and she was admitted. Of course we had to explain to the doctor why Alli was covered in bruises. And what happened next, I can only attribute to the good Lord above....... The doctor listened to us talk about what Alli had been experiencing and then it just stared at me. He finally asked if I was Scottish. I said yes. He said Alli had Celiac Disease. And with statement, all of our lives changed but none more than Alli's.

It came to light that my father's family has a history of Celiac Disease........and now a whole lot of things make perfect sense. Now Alli hating bread and refusing to eat it from a baby on made perfect sense. Alli will even tell you that she thinks the smell of bread stinks....to this day she almost refuses to go down the bread isle in the store. I know it is her body rejecting what harms it.

Celiac Disease, for those that do not know, is basically an allergy to wheat/barley. Their bodies cannot take it and actually attack it's own digestive system. Over time, the intestines are rendered unable to recover nutrients from the eaten food because it becomes slick with no celia. This causes a shit storm of symptoms that are unique to each individual person. But some symptoms are universal, like sharp stomach pains and loose stool. Eventually, left untreated by a strict no gluten diet (gluten is what celiacs are allergic to in wheat/barely) the person will develop cancer. Either a myriad of different stomach/intestine cancers or throat cancer due to a lifetime of reflux will develop.

Slowly we worked gluten out of our house. It is not as easy as some would think but it isn't as difficult as some believe either. We started with 5 things we knew contained gluten and got them out of the house. Finding suitable replacements took some research. Lord buying any new type of food or recipe takes some research. But it becomes second nature to check the label of all foods and to watch for symptoms when introducing a new foods into their diet. We just kept working our way outward, eliminating more and more gluten filled foods, until there was no gluten left. And almost like magic, Alli and Kaylee got better...so much better...

 

 



Alli was physically better, but she was mentally much better as well. She seemed to have a clarity of thought she had not had in quite some time. At this point, she was still on 2 of the 4 medications she was prescribed. And we knew it was time to get her off completely. Her mystery had been solved as far as we were concerned. There is research that states that Celiac Disease can cause many different and at times very pronounced mental illness. Alli was sick, but not in the way we thought.

Alli finished her last medication almost a year ago now. We were easily able to take her off the rest of her meds last summer. She became more and more herself with each and every day. I cannot tell you how we would almost burst at the seams every time she would make a joke or make sense out of something the other kids did not understand. These are things she was not capable of since the age of 4. Now Alli is Alli.....she isn't a the mental disease we thought would ruin her....she isn't a mystery no one understood (even her many doctors), she is just a little girl who laughs and loves and goes to school and enjoys life...all things she could not be before.

The reality of the medications Alli took is that she basically does not remember huge chunks of the years before she got released from her medicated prison. As far as her education is concerned, that is difficult. She is behind, but last year and this year she has made what the school has remarked as remarkable strides in catching up to her classmates. She never gives up and she works very hard. It is not always easy but her easy going personality helps her to accept what is and keep moving forward.

For the moms: I cannot tell you what watching her suffer felt like.....I am sure there are mothers out there who's children have some sort of mental or physical illness that know exactly what I mean. I was scared to ever have Alli away from me, & eventually Joey, because we were her safety. She felt like her mind was not her own but I think she felt like as long as we were with her, she would be okay. (hence the reason school was so difficult). The kids rallied around Alli at all times. Her brother would come to her class when she was screaming and crying. Kaylee was summoned to do the same when she started school. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it did not. And when it didn't, the kids would feel terrible.....especially Dalton. He knew there was something so sad about Alli....and when she would cry, Dalton and Kaylee would just wrap her up in love. It was through this illness that we became a total & complete team. Everyone kept an eye on Alli (she would wonder towards streets when playing at the park & things like that while on the medication). I guess you could say we all were on high alert. But together, we got through it.

A more in depth theory of what was happening to Alli that made her start to have psychotic type episodes is two fold. I know the gluten was starting to give Al mental instability. But, I have found something I believe may have been what pushed Alli over the limit....she had Mono right before all this really started. When Alli was 3, she got Mono. I have read research that states that when small children get Mono, it can cause mental issues & psychotic episodes. So she already had the instability with the gluten issues and the Mono just pushed her over the edge. I struggle with the knowledge that if I had waited, she might have eventually been back to normal. Sometimes I think I did this to her.

But, like Alli, all I can do now is be very super careful of medications (we opt for vitamins and natural healing for almost everything now) and accept what is and move forward. Seeing her bright shining face daily makes that a little bit easier....

Side note: There is a series of events if you will that led to us finding out what was really wrong with Alli and making her better....it started with a renewal of my Faith. I finally turned to Him and said, I cannot do this alone. I am turning it over to You...and He found me Joey. Joey played a huge huge huge part in getting Alli off the meds. He gave me the strength of hope. Joey said she would be okay and if she wasn't then we would keep looking until we found a real solution. I was so afraid Alli would get worse instead of better without the meds. Joey assured me we could do this......and with that, we did...he did...He oversaw the schedule of titrating her down. Without Joey, I doubt we would be where we are today. God had a plan for us, and when I finally decided I could not do this, He did.

My sweey angel face Alli.....

Just another day in paradise......

There is no Arizona....did you know?

This might start out a little bit cheesy, but stay with me, I am going somewhere.....

"He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona
Underneath the blue never ending sky, swore that he was gonna
Get things in order, he'd send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona"

There is no Arizona and man it was a while before I realized that much. Here I was, an relatively intelligent and educated woman and I bought the Arizona line over and over from men. How in heck did that happen? I can tell you how......but let's not skip to the end.

My "Arizona" came in several forms from a couple of really good, lying, and selling men. I was promised a million things that just never seemed to happen. But the excuses, they were good.

      "Where did this money go?
        Well, Jack needed some money so I lent it to him. I am not sure when he will be able to
        get it back to us, but I am sure he will. "

All sounds up to par right? NO, OH MY GOD NO! It is not okay. Life long liars are good because they dial into what makes up the person they are selling Arizona to and then they exploit that fact. They turn what makes you up, how your personality ticks (so to speak), and what is in your heart (like always wanting to help others in their time of need) into their personal grab bag of "how to lie to you". It is a little fascinating actually. Pathological liars are quick reads of people and their personalities. In no time flat, they know you and how to get one over on you. If only they would use their "talents" for good instead of evil.....

But eventually all liars are found out, especially by the people close to them. It is hard to lie your butt off daily and remember all the lies. They break down and get caught. Inconsistency is their kriptonite. So how do these liars maintain relationships with the very people that frequently catch them in their tales?

Well, the answer is easy.....

Liars are able to maintain relationships because the other person wants to believe them. It is that simple. The "other person" 's actions of writing the lies off or excusing the behavior is nothing more than their will to want to believe what this liar is telling them is actually true. And that action says more than them than the liar. It usually means they have personal issues, such as self esteem issues or other issues that prevent them from walking when they realize the first time they are in a relationship with someone that cannot be honest. (sounds like I know what I am talking about huh?? You could say I am well versed in the subject) And, as we all are told our entire lives, without honesty (which equals trust) then you have nothing. If you know you have nothing, then what are you hanging onto?

The problem almost every dishonest person faces is that the "other person" finally is forced to face themselves, how they have been dishonest with their own self, and ultimately face that the liar never truly was what they believed. Nothing was real. And if nothing was ever real, then is follows that this person never really cared for them. People who care/love each other do not seek to destroy each other. With that thought, the carefully constructed false reality is shattered. And each person is forced to move on in life, leaving Arizona behind.

"Finally she tells them don't you know

There is no Arizona"

The reality is that there never was an "Arizona". Once you realize that fact, it is a whole lot easier to face life and your next steps.


“Can you honestly love a dishonest thing?”
― John Steinbeck,
   
You cannot love anyone that does not love themselves enough to be honest..........

....compliments from the very moments of my life......I wish someone had laid it out for me......


Just another day in paradise.....

Irrational Fears...How Do YOU Deal?

Okay, I have a confession to make. I carry around this irrational fear and frankly I cannot stand it. And when I say I "carry this irrational fear around", I mean it almost dictates my every move in some areas of my life. I am secure enough to say it, I am a little crazy some times...( I think we all are or can be given the right surrcomstances) but this drives me bonkers!

So what is my fear......really I have a couple of irrational fears but the one that really troubles me/tickes me off is as follows:

I am afraid something terrible is going to happen to my Jacie (my 6 year old daughter) and when it does, she is going to die.

(I know this is one of those situations where it isn't appropreiate but you want to laugh anyway, go ahead I won't judge!)

Some may know where this little idea got planted into my head and really how it get there is not the point. The point is, even when it comes time to disapline Jacie for something she has clearly done wrong, I have a hard time. Literally the thought runs through my mind, if she dies, will I be upset I had to do this? This is ridiculous! Believe you me, I know it is. It is totally irrational. Jacie is a healthy little girl full of life & it is not like I am abusive to her, she is made or should be made to follow the rules just like the other million kids we have. Yet, I cannot stop this fear or the way it tries to run my life with Baby J. I just do not know how to stop fearing she will one day leave us.

(Believe me when I say The Man Up Stairs knows all too well about this fear I have about losing Jacie. I talk to Him about it all the time. Sometimes I feel like He is trying to tell me she will be fine because literally she has been one of the healthiest children I have after her trying to die twice in her first year of life that is. Giving it up to Him is the only way I can deal with it at all, that is how big it is to me.)

What other irrational fears do I have you say? Well, there is this glaring one......

I have this stupid irrational fear that I am going to be adult napped while out running.

So friggin ridiculous, I know. I think it may come from being a little more into watching crime shows than I should be, but again, that is not the point. I would let this silly fear stop me from running (which I find pretty theraputic) because I really did not want to be adult napped. The only way I got over this issue was to start running with my new dog Piper. She is a barker and freaks when anyone gets near us. So I would know if something were about to happen or if someone should get too close. I am not ashamed to say I would love to have a bigger dog that some found scary to run with....but Piper does the job. At least I figured out how to beat this one!  

Am I strange or do people have irrational fears from time to time? It is certainly possible that I am strange so I am open to that concept. If you have an irrational fear, what is it & how do you deal with it?

Just Another Day in Paradise......

Parenting of Athletic kids....Oh where to begin

I was an athlete....and not a game went by that I did not look up into the stands and see my parents there cheering me on, encouraging me, and frankly doing some coaching from the stands. (nothing crazy but you know, they knew their stuff!) It was important to me that I feel that support, that I felt like no matter what, there was someone in MY corner. And that my friends, is what a normal parent of sports playing kids do......so why does this seem so difficult for so many? In my humble opinion, youth sports today is a bit out of control.....

My kids play a mered of sports. Soccer, football, baseball, basketball, volleyball, dance, you name it, they have played it. And being into sports, coaching, and the like, I am just as into it as most parents. We go to the practices and watch and listen and take the lessons home to work on their game. Anything we can do to help them succeed is our J O B, right? But that is where it ends. We give them the tools, coaching, and advice they need while showing all the support we can in their cheering section. But we do not try to play the game for them, or become violent/crazy when things do not go our child's way. (if you doubt this happens, you have not been to a Texas football game, especially in the playoffs. Attend one and you will be a believer!)

It seems so many forget the ESPN is not at this rec league game filming for the next blue chipper. While I do admit, connections are made at the little league/rec league level that can help your child later, nothing good enough for extreme behavior. I have witnessed parents being physically removed from the stands by the POLICE for their behavior. I have witnessed 10 & 11 year olds being removed from the game for cussing out the ref. I have seen coaches physically removed from the game by officials and or police. All in the name of what? At the end of the day, they are kids and this is a game, and we are all teaching children how to behave in what I think is likely one of the most influential situations they have faced thus far in their young suburban lives.

Being shaped by coaches and parents that coached me for years, I know just how influencing a coach & league's philosophy is on a child. I have lived it & I know there were times I would have done a lot to have my coaches approval. Time might have moved on, but that want/need for their coaches approval has not changed. I think this is especially true for boys.

I have watched some of my son's coaches flounder and quit. I had to explain to my son that quitting is not an option in life. You muscle on, you identify the problem and you address it, you realize your part in the situation, but you never quit.

I have also watched some of my son's coaches also demand respect, demand attention, praise for good, push when 100% wasn't being given, and pray with the boys at the end of every practice and game. Those men, they were exactly what I wanted for my son to want to please. Salt of the Earth those men......

And I would see my son bring those lessons he learned in sports home into his every day life. You say YOU as the parent is the biggest influence in your child's life and I would agree most of the time. That is how it should be. But I also know there are key times in their lives that sports & coaches can take that spot for a hot minute.

At the end of the day, you have to be careful as a parent in what you are allowing to drive your child regarding sports. We all want to win, but you should want to do that in the right way, and everyone should remember we are teaching children how to handle the real world through their games. Play as a team, have your brother's back, give 100% every single minute, never quit, never give up, respect your coaches, realize there are bad teams out there but winning with class is the ultimate revenge, be a good sport & when you knock someone down help them up...it is just a game, don't take yourself too seriously, laugh & have fun, work hard & commit...literally I could go on & on. Those sound like sports lessons, but they all translate into life lessons. And we have to be sure of who is teaching those life lessons. That part is our job.

Additionally, as a parent I think we all have to step back and realize you cannot make them do it or what it FOR them. I was talking to my Daddy about my son one day (many moons ago) about what I felt like was his lack of competitive attitude. I told him all about the ways I had tried to promote my son's competitive side to fire up but nothing really seemed to light that fire and keep it lit. I will never forget my Daddy looking at me and saying "honey you were super competitive and mad as hell when you did not win. But that was not something we gave you. You have always been that way. It is not something you can make him do. He has to want it badly for himself. And until he does, nothing you say or do is really going to matter"...Seriously? Yep, Daddy was right. (and yes that almost fired up my competitive side to see IF I COULD make him want it....I will admit my competitive nature can be a little out of bounds sometimes! But I knew my Daddy was right.....) So I backed off. I praised the hard work and was there to workout right beside him when he decided he DID want it that much. But my son did that. He made that decision and he did it. Not me. I think as parents it can be hard to back off, but so many times, that is exactly what is warranted.

I know it is hard. Walking this thin line of pushing your child to realize their talent and burning them out, it certainly can be a tight rope. And sometimes we parents of athletic kids are going to stumble into the dark side. It happens. (Lord knows I have had to be pulled back to the straight & narrow a time or two) But I think knowing what lessons your kid is being taught and by who, surrounding them with good and talented people, and knowing your role in the situation is a way of building a good parameter.

(I will admit to praying to God for my son's football team to demolish the other team in the playoffs a time or two. I might also admit to wanting to cry hysterically when we finally lost. Invested is what I like to call it, but to some I am sure it is a little much. Thank goodness I kept that mostly between me and the Big Man upstairs. See, safety net!)

Just another day in paradise......

Vegan?? Seriously?? YEP!

First, straight out of the shoot, I have to tell you I am an animal lover and an animal eater and that is what I have always been.....I was brought up on good ol' southern values and good ol' southern cooking. You had your meat, starches and veggies with some tea and bread. And that was good eaten! And likely, that is the very idea that landed me where I was healthwise.

A little health back ground......

My eating habits have never been what most consider "normal". When I turned 7, I all the sudden had these very severe food allergies. At the time the doctors basically said they did not know why I developed these life threatening allergies out of the blue. (which has always puzzled me, how could they have absolutely no idea? But then again, Medical Freak could have been my middle name!) I had two typed pages of foods that I could no longer eat. It was strange to say the least and it made for some interesting birthday parties...(I could not have flour, eggs, milk...you know the yummy stuff that is in all birthday goodies!) But as we all do, you adapt. My mom changed how we ate some what and we moved on. As I got older, the allergies became a little less severe, but they never fully went away as the allergist said they would. I always dealt with them in some way or another.

I have had my appendix removed when I was 24.

I was in the ER with what I was certain was a gallbladder attack at the age of 34. I did not have gallbladder stones so I was promptly sent home without further investigation.

Fast forward to last year.....

I got really sick in 2012. With what though? That is still debatable. All the sudden I was exhausted in ways I have never been exhausted before. I live a fast paced life, as most of you would expect with a million and one kids, a job, and a lovely husband, but this was no normal wear and tear. I was almost paralyzed with exhaustion that stopped me from living my life practically. I would feel sick, but never actually come down with anything. (you know how you feel when you are about to get a cold or something similar, but I felt that way all the time) And seemingly out of the blue as well, I began to get terrible migraines. I had never had a migraine in my life, nor was I someone that dealt with frequent headaches. (lucky duck, yeah I know) But now it was an almost daily issue. What the heck was wrong with me?

I went to my general doctor and he ran about a million and one blood tests. And the only thing that he could find was that I had Mono about 3 months ago. That fit and it did not fit. It explained some of the symptoms but did not explain why I felt worse as time went on instead of better. He told me either I was depressed (oh, you just wait...my blog/rant on how easily doctors treat so called depression without much cause & why I think only psychiatrist should be able to prescribe these meds is coming= stay tuned!) or I was getting over Mono. He sent me packing with an ADHD med script for energy and what felt like a kick in the pants.

Then, here I was again, rolling around in such severe pain, I was sweating. The so called "not a gallbladder attack" pain was back. This time the hospital took me a little more seriously. They admitted me. I spent the entire weekend in the hospital on heavy pain meds while they found nothing. Seriously? From then on I really could not eat without pain.

I went to a gastrologist about a week later. She reviewed the hospital tests and told me again she did not think it was my gallbladder either. She basically told me she thought my intestines had the flu. (did you know that was possible? Nope, me either) I asked how that explained the same thing happening about a year earlier. I got that blank stare which told me she really did not know either. She wanted to do about a million dollars worth of painful tests, I decided just not eating was easier.

Okay, now we have reached the vegan part of this blog. (about time huh? Blame my Daddy, he is long winded & I think it is genetic)

I went without eating for a while but that really was not solving all the issues. I still dealt with the migraines almost daily and my digestive pain was still there. I had pretty much stopped eating meat during this time. Still the issues persisted. Then I came across someone talking about eating vegan and BAM! LIGHT BULB went on! It is very possible all these food/digestion issues are all tied back into some strange type of food allergy. It is really the only possibility that made sense as I kept thinking about it. Maybe any other issue I had (gallbladder pain) was derived from this allergy. Why not try to eat vegan and see what happens?

Thus began my vegan journey. Now, ***disclaimer*** I do not claim to be a vegan expert. I am a vegan beginner. I do not eat meat, which is really not an issue. I hadn't been eating meat for quite some time. But now I also do not eat meat by products either. So that means no eggs, milk, cheese, butter, and a million other things I am still learning. It really is not that hard, especially when you have kind of been beaten up by food or your body's reaction to food already. The incentive is there to make it work. But, I have not been perfect by any means. Which I think is likely the beginning stages when you are changing your life's eating habits.

The first couple of weeks were tough. I was still so dang tired! And my stomach/digestive track still hurt but I could tell the pain was lessening daily. So, thanks to the power of Google, I figured out I was not eating enough of some foods, thus the - you want to workout, yeah we aren't doing that, sorry no energy, try again later - internal conversations. But as time went on, it all got easier.

The best thing was, I could eat. And eventually I had no pain. And what do you know, my migraines have reduced to almost nothing as well!

I am not only doing the vegan lifestyle, I am also going completely gluten free. Our lives have already been gluten free, for the most part. At home, I guess I should say, we are gluten free due to my kids having Celiac Disease. But when away, stupid me would play with flour! I would roll around in gluten filled yumminess. Okay, maybe I would not stray that wildly but you get the picture. We have determined my Scottish genetics is where the girls get their gluten allergy/intolerance from so it makes sense that gluten likely affects me in some way as well. We have wondered if my migraines were from a gluten sensitivity. (mostly because when my daughters were so sick with celiac, before we knew, they both complained almost daily about terrible headaches) And since I have changed my life to vegan & gluten free, my head is almost my own again. (migraines steal your head & turn it into a place you no longer want to be....doubt me, live with daily migraines. You will do almost anything to make it stop.) I say almost because I am not a 100% migraine free yet, although I do believe that is coming...my body has to heal itself first.

It is all working....I feel good, I feel healthy, I am living my life again.

This is how I solved my problem. I am not saying it is the answer for everyone. And it is not like my house has gone vegan. My teenage son would likely pass out if you told him there was not another whaterburger #1 in his immediate future. But it is working for me. I think too often we accept what people say about our health and just stay in the same unhealthy place. Keep looking, your answer could be just a click away......

So, what do I eat....that is the question I get a lot.....

The Morning Star spicy bean burger patty is the best thing I have possibly ever eaten..well maybe not the very best but you know, it's pretty dang good! Of course I eat fruits & veggies...salad with vinaigrette & all the veggies I can get in it with some kidney beans, Naked Juice in the AM, potato tacos on corn tortillas, hot sauce & corn chips, Larabars, rice, Chinese all veggie plates, GF pasta with tomato sauce.....I could go on and on....there are a lot of recipes on the net. (stay away from the vegan cookies...talk about YUCK! At least I have yet to find one that was actually consumable) But just so you know, I eat more than I ever did before "the change". And my body is changing...

Tackled vegan & gluten....what's next??


Just another day in paradise.....

Did you do that on purpose??

I will never forget when a check out lady at a store asked me if I had my kids close together on purpose....she actually said "Oh my, did you do that on purpose?? (waving towards my kids). I remember my response "um, no one in their right mind has kids this close together on purpose!". That really isn't what I meant. I am certain she caught me a low moment after carting 4 little ones to the store to buy groceries...one in a baby sling, two in a cart (1 year old & 2 year old) with their big brother pushing them around in their mobile metal prison and me rapidly losing my MIND! So I feel as though I get a small pass on my response!

I cannot tell you the looks I used to get when I was out and about with all my little ones, likely looking like a escape from crack ward. It was hard to remember not to go out in my PJs, must less wear cute outfits and oh so perfect hair and makeup. So I am not saying some of the looks weren't warranted.....People were staring...it was something we got used to rather quickly. Judgement is what I would see in their eyes, my kids would just see someone else to give them attention and wave like little attention seeking maniacs! It mostly made me laugh...

So, I had Dalton at the ripe ol age of 23. Not that young I thought at the time. Little did I know I was not wise and did not have a lot of the answers. But taking care of babies was not something I saw as difficult. I remember when I was pregnant with Dalton & I was holding another baby...that mom told me I was a natural. Nothing natural about it. I babysitted when I was a teen and I taught swim lessons for years. Kids? Easy Peasy.....YEAH RIGHT! (I now tell women I know that feel this way, just wait, it is a whole other ball game when it is your child) I never feared taking care of him, or if I would be able to be a good mom. Truthfully those thoughts never really crossed my mind (young & invencible remember?) But the first time he rolled off the couch and went splat onto the tile floor & had a little bit of a bloody purple nose, I started to wonder what I had gotten into? Maybe this would be a little rough? (ya think??)

Dalton had breathing issues, so he hardly slept as a baby. And the times that he did sleep, it was in the swing or in the vibratng bouncy chair. It was insane! I was like a drug addict looking for it's next fix! I needed about a week's worth of uninterupted sleep. It was not a cute look! So you can see his baby months were tough but nothing like what we would be up against in his toddler years. (but at least by then I had my parents help = God SEND!) I was in no hurry to repeat this mothering thing for a while I thought....

Oh, life is what happens when we are busy making plans....

At the age of 25 I was diagnosed with a case of cervical cancer that had spread. I had been battling these precancerous cells since I was about 20. I had undergone several different types of in office procedures. I really did not think too much about it. Everntually it spread to other parts and my OBGYN was not happy about it. There was talk of a hystaretomy. Then I was finally frightened. I wanted more kids. I knew with everything I had that I wanted Dalton to have siblings. So instead of the yanking, we tried another treatment. I had to go into the OBGYN's office every single day for 35 days. They would give me a treatment and I would be on my way. I was in my last week of the treatments when I found out I was pregnant.

There were so many questions....would the pregnancy survive the treatments? Would my very cut up cervix hold? Would the baby make it? The OBGYN had no answers, this was not something that happens. You do not get pregnant during cancer treatments on your cervix and surrounding lady parts. They just had no idea what to expect. They told me not to tell anyone for a while. And to hang on tight, this very well could be a bumpy ride. I really had no idea...

I bled so much during this second pregnancy I became severly anemic. And every single time I would rush to the doctor! This much blood & clots could not be right. They finally told me what would happen would happen & there was nothing they or I could do about it. Panic! At 7 months I was already dialating. They told me to prepare to have this baby very early. Panic! The baby was breach and they wanted to do a version to turn her, it would be highly painful but they thought it would work. Panic! After a successful version (in which I did NOT hurt anyone surprisingly enough!) the baby turned breach again two weeks later. Panic! They wanted to do a c-section. PANIC!

Allison was born perfectly healthy and five days late. She was a very easy baby....

(I am going to stop right there...this is where I get the birth control questions. With Dalton I was not on birth control because I was told with all my surgeries on my cervix, it had all but closed & it would be extremely difficult for me to get pregnant. From then on, I was on birth control. Many different forms actually. None of them worked.......)

When Alli was somewhere around 8 to 10 months old, I started to feel funny. By now I was a pro at this, hummm I feel strangely type feeling. I just knew I was pregnant. I kept taking tests, but they would come up not no or yes. I took several different tests and they all come up that way. But I knew what I knew....I was pregnant again. Lord what was I going to do now? Well, I guess I would start by taking off this birth control patch.....

Kaylee's pregnancy was just fine, which was a serious relief after what I had gone through with Alli. It seemed rather similar to Dalton's pregnancy so I sort of thought she would be a boy...nope!( She is the female version of Dalton though so I was close.) Almost as soon as Kaylee was born, I knew something was not right. Her pee only diapers smelled really bad, and they were as dark as a soda. It was strange. She was not happy much of the time either. By two months old, Kaylee was in the hospital. She had a serious UTI infection and water on one of her kidneys. Why? No one knew....and no would would ever really know why Kaylee continued to face these types of issues. She would see a lot of specialists in her little life time. (the real answer did not come until she was 7 years old)

When Kaylee was about 6 or 7 months old and we were knee deep in her medical issues, that seemingly had no answers, I opened some tuna and immeditely got sick. Yeah, um I have to be pregnant again. Could this really be REAL?

I knew I was pregnant and at the time I am almost ashamed to admitt I was asking "what the hell do I do now?" Here I was in a terrible marriage with someone I completely hated (yeah I know what you are thinking, I didn't hate him enough), I had a son with asthma issues, Alli was only 1, and Kaylee was only like 7 months old and had all these medical problems...how the heck was I going to manage another kid?

The entire pregnancy was difficult, but not because of the actually pregnancy. It was all external stress and violence. Frankly, I am still surprised she survived. But she did.....

Jacie was actually the easiest pregnancy and the easiest birth. I probably did not need the doctor at this point, I was a pro. 6 hours later Jacie was born. She was perfect and looked  lot like Alli. (thank God for that little favor because until then people thought Alli - the only really white blonde -  was not one of us) And Jacie would prove to be the easest baby.....up until she wasn't.

Jacie was hospitalized at 6 months old with croup. She stopped breathing in the doctors arms. She spent the next week in the PICU. Thankfully she survived that to only be hospitalized again at 1 years old. She had a very serious MRSA infection that was already taveling towards her heart. She was rushed into surgery and spent the next week in the hospital. The doctor said if we had waited just one more day, we would have been dealing with a very serious life & death situation. We had caught it just in time........

So there it is....the story of how my lovely crazy wonderful kids came to be my blessings, my life. Did I do this on purpose? No, never. I never would have chosen to live our life that way. I never would have put so much pressure on me, my mind, my body, and so much more on purpose. But, it has proven to be the greatest blessing in my life. It was what I was meant to do. And I do not need to know why....We have each other and nothing other than God's will can pull us apart. We have been through enough to trust in that fact.

Okay, to address the birth control issue again.......Yes, I was on birth control after having Dalton. As I said before, a couple of different forms. I am not saying they all failed. Whether it was birth control failure, or oporater failure, is of little consequence to me now. I have always looked back and told myself things happened the way they were meant to. Nothing more, nothing less. And having come out the other side of everything, I know I would not want it any other way.

Side note: I amitted to not being sure having Jacie was the best idea for the kids. At the time I was just well, terrified at the thought of caring of 4 little ones. But Jacie has been the one that has completed our family. She is the balance. She is everything every single one of us is not. Something about her is exactly what each of us needed. She gave me someone to hold onto when I felt like I could not hold onto anything at all. She clung to her brother when she was a baby and made him feel like he was the man of the house and really could be. Jacie looked like the sister Alli needed. Now Alli no longer looked adopted. And Jacie was Kaylee's friend...something she really needed in life and still does. The balance.....and we could not be more thankful for her every single day.

Just another day in paradise......

Do you like you?? Took me a minute to say yes too...

When someone asks you if you like yourself, a smile should come to your face and immediately the shout out of YES! should come to your mind. Lord knows that is not what my immediate thought used to be either. And truly, that is sad. You are the only YOU you get, if you catch my drift. And why shouldn't you embrace yourself with a joy and smile? But I know the darkness that can lurk in your life and I am no stranger to the days the light seems to hide and you are so alone with yourself, someone you do not really like.

Here is my dark alley....

I have never really been comfortable with me. I have never been enough. Does that make sense? Not skinny enough, not nice enough, not hard working enough, not successful enough, not enough of a wife, not enough of a mother, not a great daughter....I could go on and on....truly...And I know now (Lord if  had only known believed this before!) that when you believe these less than wonderful things about yourself, you tend to attract people who feel that way about you as well and sadly enough, treat you that way. Then it becomes this vicious cycle, you believe you are not wonderful, you attract people that treat you that way, your beliefs that you basically suck at life are reinforced, and on and on and on.....

So I ended up in a terrible marriage. Shocking right? I know. I was at a frightfully low point in my life. I had been married and it fell apart very unknowingly and unexpectedly to me. I was blindsided to say the least. (denial is NOT just a river you know!) I felt terrible so I turned to what confirmed those feelings....

I thought our relationship was full of passion. But in reality, we were two people who were at each other's throats. I am fine with verbal fighting...I know it isn't 100% healthy but I can say fighting gets my blood pumping and in some ways makes me feel alive. But, a week after my first daughter was born c-section, I was flying through the air into her crib and I could NOT believe it. (and yes, she was in the crib) I remember thinking at that very moment, how did I get here? Why is this happening to me?

I wish I could say that is the one and only time I allowed that to happen to me. I wish I could say I kicked his POS butt out and that was the end of that. But that is what happens when the victim of first time abuse has a positive self reflection. But I did not......so that is not the end of this story.

I can say I did kick him out. I became hysterical, inconsolable. I called my parents and he went running out the door. One would think it would stiffen my resolve be better for myself, for my kids, but truly I only sunk lower. This IS what I deserve. This is what I am.

When we were not physically fighting, we were arguing. It was intense, to say the least. As are most abusers, he was good at pin pointing exactly what would make me feel horrible about myself. The spiral just continued downward for me. But he also was king at making me believe things would be fine, he would change and I would not fail at yet another marriage. So we rode this terrible roller coaster with seemingly no end in sight. I knew this was not right, but I did not believe I was good enough for anything else either.

Want details? How bad did it get? The words, the memories of just how badly it did get are hard even now to type. I have only told a few people the true extent of the abuse. (mind you, thankfully it was all focused on me, never the kids) Throwing me around is how it started, pushing me into things, walls, corners, chairs. It turned into punching me in the thighs, hips. And yes, I would fight back, like a maniac. I am no wimp in life, I am strong and outspoken, an athlete, a fighter.....but I was no match for someone a foot taller than me and out weighed me by about 100 pounds at least. And it progressively got worse.....during the fights he would get Alli out of her crib sometimes and try to leave with her. Those were the only times I remember feeling frantic. But his favorite move was to get me into our room and stand in front of the door so I could not leave. I would try to stay calm but eventually I would feel trapped and finally react violently like he wanted. The worst of the physical abuse came when I was pregnant with my youngest. He did not want the baby and he made that clear...wordlessly but the message was received loud and clear. This is when he would punch me in the stomach and when he started punching me in the face. Thankfully I am darker complected and do not bruise easily.

I can tell you the exact moment I knew I was completely done. I remember when that feeling washed over me....

One evening at the conclusion of work, my boss and office mate and I were talking. My boss wanted to know why I let him come back (after a 6 month split) and I remember not really having an answer. He showed me that I do everything for myself and my kids...I did not need him. He wanted to know why I was with him and honestly I had nothing. At that very moment I knew this was not because I was a terrible person, I knew he owned this abuse, not me. The very next day he started total insanity with me and I told him to pack his stuff and leave, I was done. He was excited to leave. I cannot say that I felt excitement, but I can say there was a huge relief in knowing when I went home, he would not be there. Finally I was okay with that.

Once again I wish I could say that was the end of this story. It isn't....

We split that day. He moved out and eventually I moved into a different house. This was a clean start for me and my kids. I wish it was that easy. I was intent on keeping him in the kids lives. He would come to the house because he did not have a safe place to take the kids to, but soon his insanity would start and I felt like I was still trapped in this relationship with him. I felt this huge burden to keep him around so the girls would have their father. At least now when he would start the fighting, I would just have to get him out of the house and that was it. Yeah, if only it was that simple.....

One day, at least a year after we split up, he was in my house and the fighting began. I fought back with intensity I do not think he as expecting. It soon became an all out brawl. I just wanted to keep pushing him back towards the door so I could get him out. I did, but in the process he busted my lip open and broke my hand. I busted his lip too. All the kids witnessed this very scary fight. I was finally scared. When I finally shoved him out the door and locked it, I slid down the door and cried hysterically. My 8 year old son came and sat next to me and held my hand. It was the last time he set foot in my house. I started therapy the next day.....

One of the first things my therapist did for me was make me open my eyes and see all the great things about me. He set out to make me look at the good and learn to love me again. And over the course of several months, he succeeded. I was enough...I could be a single mother of four....I was me and that was okay, more than okay. I have to say, I would not be here without therapy. It was a very intricate part of finally fitting into my own skin. My therapist also walked me through my relationship with my ex. He told me his relationship with the kids was not my responsibility, it was his. If he could not be what he needed to be to be in their lives and be healthy for them, then that was on him. Not me....WOW! The world was just lifted off my shoulders. I did not have to work so hard to have him in their lives, either he did it or he didn't.

Eventually I worked through everything I was ever made to feel or felt about me that was horrible. Now I could be that person I showed everyone I was all along....confident, strong, honest....enough. Only then could my life move forward.

I stopped letting him come into my house. I made it clear if he could not be healthy for the kids then he would not see them. I stopped participating in his frenzy of text wars. I made it very clear he would never spend time with me and the kids. And one night when he apparently was around my house in the wee hours of the night/morning and wrote "BITCH" in the sidewalk in front of my house with the chalk that was at my front door, I went to the police. While there was nothing legally they could do, he gave me some great pointers. 1. child visitation was a civil matter for the courts and not something they would get involved with (I was worried because he would tell me he was going to bring the police when I would refuse to let him see the kids) 2. I never have to allow him on my property and if he shows up all I have to do is call the police and he will be made to leave 3. If he hit me/attacked me again, I needed to call them and report it. (then I could get a restraining order) I told my ex all this information. It was one of the last times I would see him or speak to him.

I had to empower myself before I could move towards empowering my life. I had to finally feel like enough before I could take the necessary steps towards legal action. I firmly believe this abusive relationship very easily could have just been another sad story on the news, just another statistic....while inside the madness,  I refused to believe he would kill me. After being empowered, I knew he would kill me. The thought honestly still haunts me.

It has been four years since I have seen or heard from him.

But the triggers are still there as scars I doubt I will ever fully get rid of. I cannot handle any fight where I am made to feel like less than enough. It puts me into that dark alley again. And any touch that is in the heat of an argument makes my flight sense kick into overdrive. The touch can be the lightest of touches, but if we are arguing, I cannot take it.

These days I do like me. For the first time in my entire life, I feel empowered by positive thoughts about me, I change the things I can that I do not love about me, but am me and that is enough.

I do want to make one thing clear... this is not something that happened to me, it was created by me. While I am not responsible for his actions, his abuse, I am responsible for the thought patterns and self hate that started me down this road. When I could not bare to like me, to settle into my own skin and find something to love about me, I chose a road that unfortunately led me here. I am a survivor, but I also responsible for my life's outcome. It is only when you own your part of a situation that you can change and never put yourself there again.

I have always loved this & I try to remember it when I am thinking of others as well as myself:

Do not judge,

You don't know the storm I've asked her to walk through

God


Just another day in paradise.....

Managing the Maddness (rules of an insane household)

At any one time, there are 6 to 8 people in our house going about a million miles an hour. Four to six of those people in our home are children. (the number fluctuates because some of Joey's kids come in and out and we get to enjoy Angel from time to time...his social calendar is full so he works us in when he can!) So as you can see, the parental unit in this house has been regulated to zone defense because we are wildly out numbered! The only way to keep the zone solid and in check is to have rules. Oh kids love that word - RULES! But truly the only way to manage the madness is to not only have rules established, but also a schedule we live by daily. It might not seem like fun or a life full of spontaneity, but it keeps us from killing each other! Super important!

~~ Be Kind! For goodness sake, please find ways to be kind/nice to each other instead of looking for reasons to fight. Remember, your outlook affects your outside actions! If you are kind, then others will be kind to you. And no, if you sister is half way falling, pushing her ALL the way down is not kindness or helpfulness!

~~ Respect each other's personal space. If someone says get away, get away. If someone says get off them, get off them. If someone says they don't want you touching them, then don't. We all have the gosh darn right to be left alone. Respect that right & expect the same in return. And yes Kaylee, this rule does apply to you as well...as much as you have decided at about the age of 1 it didn't, it DOES! (hehehe Kaylee is a slightly touchy person)

~~ You are a foot away, there is no reason to be so loud. Yes, I know there are a lot of us in here & sometimes you just want to be heard, but we don't need the entire street to hear you. And you are talking to someone who is less than a foot away. You don't need to be so loud. KEEP IT DOWN! (we have vaulted ceilings so you can only imagine the volume level!)

~~ Not everything needs a response! Oh my gosh, did I ask you if you put that there? No, I told you to pick it up. That does not require a response! Just do it! So many times our kids think they need to have a response (and many times the response is of the sassy variety) to what they are told. NOPE! When I am telling you something, you just need to do it. I didn't ask so I don't want to know! If we had a "discussion" every time something needed to be done or someone had a thought about what they were being told to do, nothing would ever get done around our house!

~~ Yes, you are your brother/sister's keeper! In a large family everyone is responsible for someone else. If your sister is screaming from the shower and both the rents are occupied doing something else, YOU are up! If the girls need something, yes it is your job as not only the oldest but as their brother and protector for life to be there for them. If we are not in the room (we do have to find time to blog & make up new & exciting rules you know!) then Dalton is always in charge. Help each other....stand up for each other.....one day your Dad and I will be gone & all you will have left is each other. Family is everything.....

~~ We are you parents, not your friends...that comes later...we will chat and talk about your day. We will support you and love you intensely. But we are not buddies. I am your parent. I am here to make the best possible decisions for you and yes sometimes that will mean making decisions that you might not like or understand. But I am not here to only make decisions that give you that warm and fuzzy feeling...I am trying to create well rounded and successful adults. We will be friends later.......

~~Yep, that's what is for dinner...take it or leave it, I'm not a short order cook....Kids seem to think life is about what they want..ALL THE TIME. Um, no. I make a wonderfully balanced meal for you and I try to make sure it appeals to everyone but there are a lot of you so you might have to suck it up and expand your palate. Oh and no, there are no seconds...I give you enough the first time. Let your stomach rest & watch how full you feel in about 10 minutes. (believe me when kids are hungry enough, they will eat.) ***No children were starved in the making of this rule ***

~~When I am talking, you are not! It is partly about learning to be respectful and partly about learning to really listen. This is a tough one for the kids, but we dream that one day we will not have stop every five minutes and remind the kids of this rule. DREAM ON DREAM AWAY.....

~~ Morning routine, bedtime routine...DO IT! Or suffer the wrath! Yes children while sometimes it may not seem like it, we are hygiene conscientious people. So you  must brush your teeth, comb your hair, take a shower, put on deodorant, and wear clothes that match. It is not about the "show" it is about having self pride...besides, we don't need to give certain children another reason to get rowdy, you know kids can be mean and a couple of you don't need much to be set off. Besides, it is NOT cool to be the stinky kid in class....at one point my son would not bathe, brush his teeth, or use deo if we did not remind him a thousand times. He is finally getting better, but believe me it has been quite the struggle. One Sunday at church the smell was so bad, we stopped at CVS on the way home to stock the car with products for just such an emergency!

~~Do it 110 % or not at all! Bring that A game to every single thing you do. If you aren't going to give your all, then what was the point in doing it? You give it your 110% best and fail, I am okay with that. BUT, you give it 50% and fail, you and me will spend some quality time learning a valuable lesson. You will thank me one day. .....We have standards in our house, so anything below an 80 is failing. And if they decide to turn in work without trying, then they can do it 10 times at home. And yes, they hate it ,but of course both the limit testers (AKA Dalton & Kaylee) had to try me the week this rule was instituted. They both redid this work after their normal homework 10 times each. If you cannot be bothered to put forth your 110% at school, then you WILL do it over & over again at home. One way or another we ARE going to work this out. (this is usually regulated towards work with a grade that starts with a 5 or a 4! Bringing home that type of grade must mean we need lost of special "help" huh?)

~~School is YOUR job! It is MY job to work and provide you with endless amounts of dolls, clothes, nail polish, stickers, food, and video games and it is YOUR job to go to school each day with a awesome attitude and once again bring that A GAME. Life is about competition (no matter what school teaches you) so you better go in daily poised to be awesome and give your best!

~~Integrity is everything! Doing the right thing even when no one is watching...this is a rule we speak about often. We have some younger children, so this topic comes up a lot. Teaching the kids they are making the right choices and doing the "right thing" for themselves, so they can respect themselves, is harder than one would imagine. Ugh! Right now they think they are making the right choice to stay out of trouble & that is partly right, but in the end I want them to know they are making the right decision for themselves and their relationship with not only themselves but also for their faith.

I am sure I am missing some, but most rules fall under these lovely categories.

Now, about that schedule......

With this many kids, we have to live and die by our schedule. No choice here....and the kids actually respond well to always knowing what will happen and what to expect.

We do homework at a certain time, dinner at a certain time, bath at a certain time, bedtime at a certain time & we get up at a certain time & do it all again. Now how, when, & where might change with age, but structure will always remain. The weekends are a different story, but then again, not really. We have a weekend bedtime as well, it is just later than their usual bedtime.

 The only change in our schedule comes when the kids are what we call "in season". This is when the kids are playing sports. Most of the kids sports, regardless of which sport, usually start & stop around the same time of the year. We keep most of the structure the same, but we do have to make some adjustments. We have several active kids so this time is trying but we make it work.

Schedule is everything to the kids. But it is especially important because we have a rather large family & some kids with some special needs. (at some point in future blogs I will go into exactly what we have been through medically with the kids) They all need ample time to get their work done, play & be active, & enough time to get the most sleep possible (<-nothing is more important than that one!) This might seem like common sense, but I cannot tell you how many people I have met/spoken with/read about that do not have their kids on any kind of schedule.

I want to sum this up with saying that this is how we do it. Nothing mind blowing or ground breaking I am sure. We are trying to raise our children the best we know how. I am sure most do what works for them in their household.

I think if we could give one piece of advice, it would be to KEEP ON KEEPING ON! Try something to help your kids or find  approach to a problem, and then if it does not work, then try something else. Keep tweaking until you find something you are comfortable with & works in your house. It does not have to be what everyone else is doing...I think too many parents get caught up in what other parents are doing, or let's face it, not putting in enough thought to their parenting approach. There is no right way, just the way that keeps your family moving forward and happy.

Just another day in paradise.......... :)

The Story of "Us" :) (blog intro)

I get so many people telling me no one could write what is real life for me & my family. So I decided to share some of our life. That begs the question then, who are we? Let's start with my marriage....

My husband, Joey, and I have been married for not much more than a hot minute. (that means a little more than a year in case you were wondering) I guess we should start at the beginning......We actually went to school together most of our lives in a smallish town but never really interacted. He was the boy with long purple hair & I was the book smart athlete...you could say that is worlds apart in high school life! I went on to marry at 21 and so did he. That did not work out well for either of us, both being divorced roughly twoish years later. He had two boys in that marriage about a year apart, Josh & Jon. I had my son, Dalton.

 Then again in our midish twenties, we both saddled up & married again. (what can we say, hopeless romantics!) I married someone I knew in high school (although we did not go to school together). It was a disaster from the beginning. I never even legally changed my name to his because I think I knew it was over before it ever began. Without getting too far into it (because I will in later blogs) it was a highly abusive marriage.....in every sense of the word. I am stubborn though and thought I could change it, I could solve it, I could mend what was broken this time...I couldn't. Joey dated someone on & off for years and then married when she got pregnant. He was being sent overseas in the Army and wanted them to be taken care of while he was away. He also knew it would not work. When he returned from overseas, she had moved on and so he was forced to as well. I had three girls in my marriage, Alli, Kaylee, and Jacie. Joey had a daughter as well named Emilee.

Whew! I know what you are thinking, who in their right minds would ever marry again? Believe me, we both thought the exact same thing! Neither of us could even think of being married to anyone again. It was not something we hated, but we both just thought for what ever reason, marriage was not for us. Boy, would those thoughts change! Hang on, it is a bumpy ride but also fun....

I moved upon separating from my second ex. Here I was, a single mom of 7 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old and a 3 month old. I did not have time to breathe much less anything else. Those days were tough as most of my kids also had crazy illnesses. I could not imagine anyone loving me this way. And for some of the time, I could not have cared less. My plate was full. I needed to learn to love ME again. I needed time to figure out I was worth true love, from myself and from everyone else. It was a process....I went to therapy, I read, I developed my faith, I prayed, and I concentrated on being the best mom I could. But, for some of the other time, I was intensely lonely. It was work, home, gym, bed...rinse and repeat. I did not have people to talk to that could relate as all my friends were married and happy. They had either lives and me and all my craziness was overwhelming for me so it certainly was too much for them. But I did start connecting with people online. I knew I could do this when it was convenient for me (which was late at night seeing as I had a terrible bout of insomnia for years during this time). I decided to at least make a lot of friends online and reconnect with long lost friends. Man, it is funny how what you think are small decisions turn out to be the biggest ones ever....

Joey also moved upon separating from his second ex. That brought him back to his hometown. Here he was, right out of the Army and back from Germany and a little lost. He went to work, rode his motorcycle,was a weekend Dad, and knew he wanted something more in life. What was it though? He fell back into old friendships and spent a lot of time out at night doing what single men do. He also spent time online talking to old friends or keeping in contact with people in the military.

Then one night Joey sent me a message on Facebook. It was very tame, the typical "hey, how are you doing, do you remember me?" type of message. I did remember him (even though he looked very different!). My response was something just as typical back "yeah, hey, how are you? We should have a beer some time, here is my number" And BAM, we were off. We have spoken to each other a million times a day every since that moment.

We found a million moments in life we both had lived. It was nothing short of amazing. I will not bore you with all the details, just know we kept repeating the phase "yes, I know exactly what you are saying because I have done or felt the exact same thing." It was like finding a gem in what felt like the garbage. We both found comfort in someone finally understanding us and liking every single thing about us. I often say it was divine intervention and it took him a while to believe, but now he does....

So, now we are fully in love, but we both have these highly complicated lives. It is not easy to relate just how complicated our lives were or how difficult it was for us to even date much less anything else. We did not have a lot of time together so much of our relationship was cultivated via text & calls. It made a huge difference I believe.

After months, we decided the kids should meet at a park where we "friends" just happen to run into each other. It was difficult to pretend we barely knew each other, but it was important the kids make their own decisions about not only the other person, but the other kids too. How they got along would be a big factor. Little did we know there was little to worry about.....the kids gravitated towards each other at the park without even an introduction. It was all smiles and fun as far as they were concerned. And Joey and I could not have been more relieved. Now we could spend more time together with all the kids (still as friends).

Time moved on and our relationship moved on with it. We were so happy together. It was nothing short of amazing to be in a relationship with your very best friend. I will not say we did not have our bumps in the road, we did. It was not easy to figure it all out, us & then the kids, but I always said if we were fine, a solid foundation, then the kids would be fine. He always said we were in this together, no matter what. Always & forever....it was our theme. And we lived it as much as possible.

We lived together with my four kids and his coming on the weekends and we were happy. We felt like we lived in this happiness bubble and we did not want anything to change or our wonderful bubble might pop. We were not even considering getting married. We lived life for each other and our ubber active kids, we were filled with joy. Nothing needed to change as far as we were concerned.

My kids called Joey daddy...they were not in touch with their biological fathers and Joey stepped into that role so smoothly. It was a wonder to watch them fall in love with him. The sight definitely made my heart swell. And I think it made Joey feel a level of acceptance he never fully had before. We were a real family and we felt like the lucky ones..

We often said that if we were to marry again, it would be with each other, but nothing was broken so why change anything?? We were both just scared to tell the truth. Marriage had not brought anything positive to our past relationships, why would it now? But little did we know that would soon change....

One day Joey was at school trying to get something very serious straightened out for Kaylee.The school said they would not speak to him because legally he was not her father or step father. He called me and said we were getting married and the sooner the better. No one was going to tell him he was not the kids' father. He took care of them, he tucked them in every single night, he loved them, we were a family. Thus began our marriage journey.

We met on the 13th, we were engaged on the 13th, and were married on October 13th. We only wanted a justice of the peace ceremony, just us. It was all about us and we did not want anyone else between that, between us.We got married and I went onto work. It might have been uneventful to some, but it was everything to us.

Fast forward to now.....

I work and Joey is a student and a full time Daddy. We could not be happier about what we feel like life has in store for us.

Joey's two sons moved with their mother far away.

Dalton is 13 now and the back up man of the house. He is a great kid, living and loving life in junior high as big man on campus/football dude.

Alli is 9 and has come a long way. She has endured major medical issues (that I will get into more in future blogs) that have set her back in life but our relationship actually changed her life in unmeasurable ways.

Kaylee is 8 now and all over the map! She is amazing and truly athletic and our definite wild child. She keeps us hopping and on our toes. We would not have it any other way.

Emilee is 7 now and still finding her way. Accepting the girls and the relationship Joey has with the girls has always been easy for her. But she has a much harder time with me and the relationship between Joey and I. She is getting there though, slowly but surely.

Jacie is now 6 and amazing. She is the baby of a large family which means she is taken care of by everyone. The more the merrier to her. She is the kindest soul. She was only 3 when Joey and I got together, she remembers little of life any other way. In that way, she is the lucky one.

Then there is one more adventure, Angel. He is a 14 year old friend of Dalton's. At least it started out that way. He is a special person to our family. He has a very special relationship with Joey and our entire family. We love him like blood, end of story.

That is the story of us. It serves as your introduction to our family. Stay tuned, there is soooo much more to come!

........ Just another day in paradise!!


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